There are many things that I am that I should not be, and many things that I should be that I am not! But the truth is that I am ALONE, irrespective of how many friends I have or how many people I know that do care about me. I’ve been trying to cover this truth with many false assumptions so that I don’t feel alone, but now it seems making such false assumptions is of no use anymore! Truth never loses its identity, whether you cover it, ignore it or disguise it. There are many people who care about me, who want to see me happy. But I can’t be happy unless I want to be! Happiness comes from within.
It has been a year since I have known about meditation and started practicing it. It has been a year since I have been aware of myself. It has been a year since I have started manifesting my reality on the basis of my beliefs and thoughts. But during this one year, I have also gone through many situations that I never knew about; situations I don’t know how to name or express. It has been a year since I have started my journey of spiritual awakening. And from the beginning of this journey till now, I have been feeling alone. And this is not physical loneliness. Many new people entered my life; many old ones just changed from my perspective, but none of them could understand the language of the words I speak or the expressions I bear. And this is not their fault or their inability, but it has something to do with me!
From the moment I decided to choose the path of awakening, I knew that I was different. But as I progressed on this path, soon I realized that each one of us is different or unique in our own way. We all are special. When I started walking on this path, I felt ‘something’ I had never felt before! I felt satisfied, connected, energized, happy, and peaceful. I felt connected to the divine energy which is the source of all creation. It’s a wonderful new feeling! My beliefs began to change and are still changing. I, no more believe in ‘many GODs’ and ‘many religions’ but now I believe in ONE. I believe in only one religion – the one I create!
My senses have evolved and now I can see things around me with a much broader perspective, doesn’t matter how weird it may seem! Now, I am bold enough to ask big questions and confident enough to make big claims because now I am aware of who I am and what is my potential. The connection with divine is a feeling that can’t be expressed in words. I can just say that this is the best feeling that a human can have.
I have read many articles on the internet saying that the journey of spiritual awakening is a lonely journey. I don’t actually believe in all those internet stuff but I certainly do believe that what I’m experiencing is REAL. I am facing loneliness and it’s okay with me because I can’t force people to listen to my ‘bed-time’ story. People keep telling me to stop this nonsense and live my life as others do. And if there’s no one to offer me resistance, I see invisible signs that keep pushing me backward; telling me not to continue this journey any further. But I really can’t help it! Every time I try to live a normal life, as others do, something pulls me back! My inner self, demands enlightenment and guides me on my journey. No doubt, it’s a wonderful experience that I have when I’m on the tide of higher energy, but the feeling that I’M ALONE IN THIS, keeps haunting me and sometimes it’s frustrating because I can’t find anyone around with similar kind of feeling.
My every new day begins with a new hope that today is the day of change; that today is the day when the world will understand the true meaning of love; that today is the day someone somewhere will have a wonderful realization that will change his life forever. Maybe, things are happening and I’m not aware about those because they didn’t come to my notice. But I don’t feel their occurrence, and this doesn’t satisfy me. Sometimes, when I come out of my long meditative state, all that I receive in my energy is frustration. Meditation must bring positive thoughts and feelings, but here it seems something strange is happening. After a few hours (sometimes days) of this down state, I realize something new. I create new beliefs or make new decisions that help me rise again and come out of this loneliness and frustration as someone stronger than before. Every time I pass through this phase, I feel rejected, separated from this world and the people. But this time, I realized that all these things happening to me are a part of the cleansing process in my spiritual journey. I’m cleansing my stuck emotions by taking a leap inside them and then letting them go! Meditation is doing its work; there’s nothing wrong with it. But there’s one thing that I felt – it needs a lot of strength to let the higher energy pass though you and it needs a lot of courage to let the emotions come to the surface and allowing them to be free, LET THEM GO! It’s not that easy as it seems because having the idea of exactly what are you feeling and how to express it or deal with it is not something that every one of you can bear.
There is resistance on this path. I feel like swimming in the direction opposite to the water current. Water keeps slamming on my body and I have nothing to hold on to! I just have to keep my arms and legs in motion. The moment I stop moving, I flow with the current in the direction I never wished to move in. But this will soon be over as I’m in the middle of a big realization to come.
To all my friends and my dear ones reading this post, I would like to say one thing,“It’s not that you are unable to understand me because of which I’m feeling alone, but the truth is there are a few things within ME that I need to sort out; some questions for which I need to find the answers; and some feelings and thoughts that I need to let go! There’s nothing wrong with you, as this is something weird going on with ME; only I can sort this out. Just know that I’ll never regret about choosing this path because this journey has changed my life in a positive way; and just because of a few problems, I’m not going to leave this path. I believe it’s a cleansing process, a rewiring phenomenon, a reconstruction of my belief system, and a journey towards a big realization. I believe in my self and my abilities. This is just a phase, I’ll be out of this soon!”
©Varun K. Sharma